Twitter Pun Storm: Swine Flu Edition

With the resurgence of the Swine Flu, I feel it is once again relevant to share the Twitter Pun Storm:

The following puns were made one morning on the popular social networking website Twitter.com.

I was inspired by the depth of pun material in the term "Swine Flu" that I produced the following:
@punsultant @doughamlin *cough* *cough* *swirl* *smell* *sip* #wineflu

@punsultant @doniree @doughamlin or, you know, *cough* *cough* *pickles!* #brineflue

@punsultant *oink* *oink* *smoke* *smoke* #swineflue

@punsultant George Bush was a great president! #swineflew

@punsultant *cough* *cough* *forest* #pineflu

@punsultant @doniree my back is coughing! #spineflu

@punsultant I stepped on this device and all of the sudden I started coughing #mineflu

@punsultant I think my fork is sick. #tineflu

@punsultant as I've been waiting here at the bank I've developed a cough and a fever. #lineflue

@punsultant OR my cough and fever only exist between two points #lineflu

@punsultant I am sick as an objectivist. #aynflu

@punsultant @MHMorgan if I do work I might get #tryin'flu.

@punsultant your lady doctor is sick #gyn'flu

@punsultant I am sick, but only when I'm lying on my back #supineflu

Which, in turn, inspired many others to make Swine Flu puns of their own:

@maxsparber Argh, I be struggling to catch me breath in the salty deep! #brineflu

@maxsparber @punsultant Funny, I had the same experience waiting to get pork in England #swinequeue

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson I feel awful with this illness... I think I'm going to go lie on my back #supineflu

@eigenman @punsultant fuck I must have missed it while I was sacking Halicarnassus #rapineflu

@eigenman @julielyda @punsultant @zwjohnson but I do so enjoy upsetting you Julie! #malignflu command it in #()flu form and I'll stop :D

@eigenman @punsultant @zwjohnson MUCH better #anodineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant *sniffle* I can't even afford medication... #declinedflu

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *moooooooo* #bovineflu

@briannepitt @doniree @punsultant "Bueller... Bueller..." #Steinflu3

@doniree @punsultant @briannepitt *cough* *cough* *meow* *purr* #felineflu

@briannepitt @punsultant *cough* *grumble* *gripe* *sneeze* *exaggerated sigh* #whineflu

@doniree @punsultant I'm a poet and didn't know it #rhymeflu

@zwjohnson @punsultant it's not your fork, it's your food! #dineflu

@chessie @punsultant i got sick because i returned my library books late #fineflu ?

@zwjohnson @eigenman @punsultant I actually feel pretty good #fineflu

@doniree @punsultant *cough* *cough* *river* *europe* #rhineflu

@eigenman @punsultant oh JESUS my hypothalamus just threw up #endocrineflu

I'm sure some swine flu puns have slipped through the cracks. Although, I'm sure you're already pretty full up on your swine flu pun quota for today.


Found Pun: What I Saw

From my good friend Adam, I present to you what he doodled in a boring meeting:



What do you call a bunch of eggs that resist being eaten?

An ohmlette.


Found Pun: Resistance

And one more physics puns for today. Here's one I read on a plaque in a high school one time:

Resistance: it starts at ohm.

Found Pun: Electron

Keeping with an atomic pun theme today, I present to you a pun my friend Derek shared with me.

One atom says to another, "Dude, I think I just lost an electron!" The other atom responds, "What? Are you sure?!" To which the first atom says, "Yeah, man, I'm positive!"

Found Pun: Neutron

I've been telling this joke to every science major I know for the past week. I came across it on the Twitter joke feed @ComicTwit, which is a pretty good source for puns.

A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer? "The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."


An Unusual Drink Option

When you order many small samples of beers or scotches or wines with the intention of sampling a wide variety, that is called a "flight." Scotch flight, beer flight, etc. Usually there will be a theme, like a Highlands flight for scotch, or an import flight for beer.

Well, evidently at Jake's Sports Cafe in Plymouth, you can have all the white people move out of your neighborhood:



While Steeping Tea

"I sure would hate to ride my bike up this process"

Found Pun: Pun Stores

Some day, I will have this level of dedication. Someone searched high and low to come up with 50 examples of stores with some wonderfully punny names: The 50 Best Pun Stores.

The Punsultant's Choices of this lot are:
  1. Marquis de Salade.
  2. Planet of the Grapes
  3. Cane and Able
  4. Nin/Com/Soup
Of course, the best local example from the Twin Cities is the legendary karaoke bar and frequent Punsultant hangout, U Otter Stop Inn.


Dorothy Parker on Horticulture

When a reporter asked Dorothy Parker to use "horticulture" in a sentence, she replied:

You can drag a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

My Favorite Joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "You know, you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants. The pirate says, "Yarr! It's driving me nuts!"


Found Pun: Asphalt

I did a search for "classic puns" on Google, and the first hit was a gather.com page featuring a list of puns. Most notably:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

As is common with the internet, many of the jokes here are called puns but aren't actually puns. (For example: “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It’s Not Unusual." A good joke, but not a pun.)

BUT, regardless, a quality list with some classic groaners.

The Punsultancy Unvailed

Welcome to the Punsultancy. This is a place for puns.